


A Slave to Your Feelings

by SingingInTheRaiin



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Anakin is an adult, First Kiss, Force Bond, Human Disaster Anakin Skywalker, Jealousy, M/M, Snooping, anger issues, master/padawan relationship, possessive feelings, sentimental photographs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-17
Updated: 2019-04-17
Packaged: 2020-01-15 11:06:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18497668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SingingInTheRaiin/pseuds/SingingInTheRaiin
Summary: Anakin realizes his feelings for Obi-Wan, and he just wants Obi-Wan to admit that he feels the same. Which isn't made easy when Anakin has rather explosive anger and Obi-Wan spends his time with others.





	A Slave to Your Feelings

He’d had a lot of freedom back then, and not just because their environment was safer - few children had been allowed to roam as much as he had. Part of it was because of how much his mother wanted to keep him out of the house whenever possible, and part of it was because there hadn’t been much for any parents to bother worrying themselves about anyways.

But now it felt as though he was always on a leash. Anakin hated it, hated feeling tied to the Jedi order, hated feeling like he owed them something. The only person he gave credit for setting him free was Qui-Gon. And the order would have been happier if he’d just left Anakin enslaved and miserable for the rest of his life. 

The only thing he didn’t mind being tied to was Obi-Wan, but Obi-Wan certainly seemed to mind it, if his reactions to Anakin all the time were ever any indication. “What did I do wrong this time?” How strange was it that he had felt so much more freedom when he was a slave than he did now that he was a free man?

But it wasn’t just the strict training and rules and schedules. What Anakin truly felt enslaved to was Obi-Wan. And quite often, he found himself hating the older man for that. For making him feel like he would do anything to gain Obi-Wan’s approval. And for that stupid look of disappointment that Obi-Wan threw around all the time, as if he thought that it was easy for Anakin to meet his expectations. 

Obi-Wan crossed his arms over his chest. “I told you to show some restraint.”

“I did,” Anakin insisted. “If I hadn’t been showing restraint, then there probably wouldn’t even be a council building left.”

Obi-Wan let out one of his usual long-suffering sighs. “You cannot keep acting so childishly, Anakin. You are an adult now, and you are going to be nominated soon to go through your trials to become a knight. But you cannot do that if you cannot even follow simple orders.”

Anakin scowled, and mirrored Obi-Wan’s position of arms being crossed. “I got done what we were sent to do, and nobody got hurt, so what’s the big deal? What difference does it make if we solved things your way or mine, so long as we got the results that we needed?”

“It isn’t always about the final results, Anakin. Sometimes, the actions you take to get there can have long term effects, on both yourself and on the people around you. You have to think about more than just yourself. I thought that I taught you better than that.”

Anakin clenched his jaw and refused to say anything else. This should be taken as a sign that he knew how to show restraint, because if he did open his mouth, he knew that a lot of words would spill out that he didn’t really mean. As unfair as he found Obi-Wan’s criticism, at least he knew (hoped) that they came from a place of caring. The things that Anakin could spout off when he was angry were almost always exaggerations that made him feel guilty within minutes. He wondered what it said about him that he was only able to show restraint when it came to not wanting to hurt Obi-Wan’s feelings. Not that he was really sure that he was even capable of hurting Obi-Wan’s feelings, but he really didn’t want to take that risk.

He took in a few deep breaths, and then slowly let them out before he felt like it was safe enough to speak again. “I’m sorry that I didn’t listen to you out there. But it doesn’t help that I feel like there are a lot of times when you don’t listen to me here, even when I have important things to say.” Anakin felt a brush of - _guilt_ \- along their learner’s bond, though it disappeared almost immediately. Obi-Wan had always been unfairly good at shielding, while Anakin knew that he was an open book to his master. “I know that I’m still learning, but I think that it would be good for both of us to get better at listening.” Then he turned and walked away before he could say anything else that might be found embarrassing. 

He wasn’t expecting for Obi-Wan to suddenly reach out and gently grab Anakin’s arm just above the elbow. “I’m sorry,” he said softly. “I will try to get better at listening to you.” He opened his mouth again, like there was still more he wanted to say, and Anakin felt like holding his breath in anticipation of Obi-Wan actually opening up to him and being honest for once. Maybe even treating him like an equal. But then there was the sound of a door closing loudly somewhere down the hallway, and Obi-Wan let go of Anakin’s arm like he’d just been burned. “I’m heading out tonight. I’ll be back in time for training tomorrow morning.” Then he hurried off before Anakin could say anything else.

Anakin silently cursed whoever had slammed that door and spooked Obi-Wan, but he knew that there was nothing he could do about it now. He returned to the little apartment that he shared with Obi-Wan, and went into his own room. There were various electronic parts scattered around the room, but it was the kind of chaos that Anakin found easy to understand, and luckily for him, Obi-Wan didn’t care about how messy his room was so long as the rest of the apartment remained pristine. 

He ended up getting pretty drawn into his latest project, which meant that he gulped down some caffeine, and then kept going. He figured that he might as well ride this wave of motivation for as long as he possibly could.

Before he knew it, he could hear the sound of the front door opening, and Anakin tore his eyes away from the circuit boards and blinked away his slight daze. Sunlight was shining in through the windows in a way that it definitely had not been before. Apparently it was already morning, and he let out a soft groan of annoyance as he realized that that meant he would have to go train without any sleep.

Anakin stretched, wincing at the way all his limbs seemed to crack simultaneously. He might still be young, but that didn’t mean that it was a good idea to remain hunched over in such an awkward position all night long. Anakin left his room, intending to get more caffeine and pray to the force that he wouldn’t pass out in the middle of training, but he paused in the doorway.

Obi-Wan was moving quietly around the kitchen, clearly assuming that Anakin was still asleep. Which was a fair guess, considering how many times he’d slept in right until noon when given the chance. There was something different about Obi-Wan, a slight glow about him that wasn’t usually there. He was humming under his breath as he tidied up the counter and pulled out a tea bag. His clothes were slightly disheveled, which would make sense if he’d been out sparring or something, but then he reached up to grab a mug from the top shelf of the cabinet, and his loose shirt slid up enough to reveal a small series of bruises along his hip. 

Hot jealousy licked up Anakin’s spine as he realized what that meant. Instead of letting himself be vulnerable with Anakin, Obi-Wan had gone out and fripped some random person. Anakin didn’t even know who they were, or if they were a Jedi or not, but he already hated them for being able to so freely touch Obi-Wan, and for being able to leave their marks behind on him.

Anakin cleared his throat, taking some satisfaction in watching the way Obi-Wan jumped in alarm. It was usually very difficult for Anakin to sneak up on Obi-Wan because of their bond. “Something keeping you distracted?” he asked bitterly.

Obi-Wan relaxed as soon as he heard Anakin’s voice, and turned to face him. “I hadn’t realized that you were already awake. You still feel tired enough to be asleep.” He paused for a moment before offering a small smile. “Why don’t we take the morning off? I’m sure that you could use some time to yourself to rest and relax after our latest mission.”

Anakin clenched his jaw. Normally he’d be overjoyed at the thought of getting to skip some training, but right now, he was pissed. He knew that Obi-Wan was only in such a chipper mood because of someone else, and that he was probably only suggesting that they take time off for his own selfishness. “No, I want to train.”

Obi-Wan arched one eyebrow, but Anakin just stood firm. Finally, Obi-Wan shrugged. “Who am I to begrudge you the opportunity to learn and grow stronger? Just give me a few minutes to shower and get changed. Would you mind making some breakfast while I do that?”

Normally, Obi-Wan would never ask Anakin to cook, because he knew that Anakin wasn’t very good at it. It’s not that he didn’t try hard enough, it’s just that he didn’t understand so much of the process that it overwhelmed him with frustration. “Make breakfast yourself!” he snapped. “We both know that if I do it, you’ll find a way to criticize everything about it!” 

They both stared at each other for a moment, and Anakin felt a brief tug of - _concern_ \- before Obi-Wan reigned in his shields. “What’s gotten into you? Are you feeling alright?”

He reached up like he was going to feel Anakin’s forehead for a fever, but Anakin batter the hand aside with more force than necessary. “Do you really think I’d want you touching me right now? I’m not a moron, Obi-Wan! I can figure out what you were up to last night. You’re such a hypocrite, always talking about how important it is to follow the code, and then turning around and doing whatever you want when it’s convenient to you to be doing it. Then again, I guess you weren’t really breaking the code. You probably didn’t have any attachment to whoever it was that you spent the night with, did you? Or was it even just one person? I wouldn’t be surprised if you decided to explore your lack of attachment with a whole lot of them.”

Obi-Wan’s eyes grew wider and wider as Anakin spoke, and he felt a flash of - _hurt_ \- but it wasn’t enough to get him to just shut his mouth, not when he was running on fumes and felt hurt himself. When he was done, Obi-Wan just stared up at him for a long moment before blinking once, and looking away. “I forgot that I have previous engagements to take care of while we’re at the temple. You can train with Luminara and Barriss for the remainder of our time here.” Then he calmly walked into his own room, closing the door behind him without using a single drop more strength or force on it than usual.   
As soon as Obi-Wan had left the room, Anakin started cursing to himself, and wondering why he always had to screw things up. Why did he even care if Obi-Wan wanted to have sex? Well, because someone else got to see Obi-Wan vulnerable when Anakin hadn’t. And… and because he wanted to be the one who was with his master. He slammed his hand into the wall angrily. Obi-Wan was never going to see him as anything other than a troublesome child, so why had he let his feelings get so out of control?

It was because stupid Obi-Wan had to go and be smart and funny and kind and beautiful and- dammit! Anakin stormed out of the apartment, hoping desperately that none of those thoughts had gone through the bond. He could never tell what Obi-Wan felt through their connection, which was particularly irritating when there were things that he wanted to specifically make sure went unfelt. Maybe he should listen to Obi-Wan and start practicing more at shielding. But thinking about Obi-Wan was the last thing he wanted to be doing at the moment.

He tried to clear his mind of all thoughts, the way one did to meditate, but he’d always been garbage at meditating. The most he could do was at least clear the scowl off of his face before reaching the mess hall, where he grabbed some food and settled down at an empty table. Even though it was early, the room was already fairly full, because Jedi loved waking up early. Anakin’s theory was that they did it just to torture their padawans, because he didn’t see many Jedi who had no learners up and about at this time.

Anakin was lost enough in his thoughts that he didn’t notice someone else plopping down in the seat next to him until they spoke, far too cheerfully considering the early hour. “I’ve never seen someone chew so aggressively before. Is that taste not to your satisfaction?” 

Anakin definitely didn’t jump up in alarm, but he did swallow the food currently in his mouth as he turned to see Barriss grinning at him. “What do you want?” Normally he didn’t mind the fellow padawan, but right now he just wanted to be left alone. 

The girl didn’t seem at all bothered by Anakin’s attitude. “Master said that you’d be training with us for a while, so I thought that it would be a nice start to have a meal together. It’s meant to make you feel less badly about it when I kick your butt today. Through no fault of your own, I am clearly the superior padawan.” She reached out to grab something off of Anakin’s tray, and he smacked her hand away. “Yeah, it’s probably for the best. You need to eat up and stay strong to even hold your own against me for a couple of minutes.”

“There’s no way you’re going to beat me. It’s not your master’s fault, but she just has so little to work with when it comes to you.”

Barriss’ grin grew wider. “Ah, we shall see about that, Skywalker. Oh, and by the way, Master will be quite upset if you’re not in the gym with us within the next four minutes, so you might want to hurry.” Then she hopped up and skipped away, leaving Anakin feeling slightly confused about what had just happened. 

Then it occurred to him that she wasn’t just messing with him, and Anakin quickly shoved the rest of his breakfast into his mouth and went to put his tray on the wash pile before hurrying down the hallway, using a bit of force so that he could actually run fast enough to get to the gym on time.

When he burst in, he saw that there were a few different master and padawan pairs getting set up and ready to start. He made his way over to Barriss and Luminara, and gave a small bow. “Master Luminara, thank you for allowing me to train with you.”

She gave Anakin a long look, and he wondered how much Obi-Wan had told her. He expected her to lecture him, but instead she gave a kind smile. “The honor is mine, padawan. You are a student of great talent, and I have been pestering Obi-Wan for years to loan you to me for the sake of bettering my own apprentice. Don’t expect me to go easy on you just because you are not mine, though. Now let us begin.”

,,,

Anakin returned to the apartment, rolling out some of the stiffness in his shoulders. It had been a week of training with Luminara, and he’d quickly realized that her training style was very different than Obi-Wan’s. It involved a lot more of getting his butt kicked, and it gave him a new appreciation for his master. 

But he’d yet to have the opportunity to actually communicate that to Obi-Wan, because his master had been giving him the silent treatment lately. So he wasn’t very surprised to find that he was returning to an empty apartment. Thinking about where Obi-Wan might be spending all of his time made Anakin somewhat jealous, but mostly it just made him sad as he was forced to acknowledge that he was the reason Obi-Wan had left.

Even though he knew it probably wouldn’t matter in the end, Anakin decided to go around the apartment and clean everything. He was at it for a while, but then he hesitated outside the door to Obi-Wan’s bedroom. It’s not like Obi-Wan kept any personal items, just some clothes and spare saber parts, but Anakin still felt like he’d be invading his master’s personal space if he went inside. Besides, Obi-Wan probably kept his space pristine enough without Anakin’s help.

Unfortunately, Anakin’s hands seemed to act independently of his brain, and despite the fact that he’d come to the conclusion that he was best off staying out, he was suddenly pushing the door open and taking a small step inside. Anakin hadn’t been in here in years, but it looked pretty much exactly the same as he remembered it. Plain, and boring, and nothing at all like Obi-Wan. 

He did some light sweeping up, and as he passed around the side of Obi-Wan’s bed, Anakin noticed that the drawer of the bedside table was just slightly ajar. Of course, any decent person would just leave it be, but apparently Anakin had no decency in him at all, because he found himself pulling the drawer open with a slight tug. If it wasn’t kept locked, then it couldn’t be anything truly important, right?

Inside the drawer was only two things. A small tablet and an upside down photo frame. Anakin pulled the frame out and turned it around to look at it. There were two pictures in it, slightly overlapping in the middle. One was of a much younger Anakin, around the age when he’d been officially declared a padawan, with Obi-Wan standing nearby, a proud smile on his face. The other was more recent, and showed Anakin’s disgruntled look at being showered in streamers. Normally the Jedi didn’t celebrate birthdays, but Obi-Wan had conveniently managed to find some other thing that needed to be celebrated around the same time every year. 

Anakin gulped once, and wondered why the picture had been flipped to face down. Well, he didn’t really need to wonder that, did he? After what he’d said to Obi-Wan, he was surprised that the pictures hadn’t been thrown right into the garbage.

There was a lump in Anakin’s throat, but he boldly reached down to grab the tablet and power it on. It was locked with a password, which was somewhat surprising to Anakin, all things considered. Did this mean that maybe Obi-Wan didn’t have as much faith in Anakin as he claimed? Or had the password only been added some time in the past week?

Either way, Anakin knew that he could figure out a way to get past it, but decided that it wasn’t worth breaching Obi-Wan’s trust. He put the tablet away, and went to do the same with the picture, nearly dropping it in surprise when he heard the sound of someone clearing their throat behind him.

Anakin whirled around, holding the picture out in front of him as if it would act as a shield for him, only to relax when he saw that it was Obi-Wan. Until he realized how bad this must all look, and began panicking. “I swear I wasn’t trying to- I only meant to…” he trailed off, since it didn’t seem like Obi-Wan seemed to be listening.

Instead, Obi-Wan walked over to Anakin, and gently took the frame out of his hands so that he could look down on it. “I hadn’t wanted a padawan, you know,” he said casually. Anakin found himself holding his breath, not wanting to break the spell that was getting Obi-Wan to actually talk to him and be honest with him. “I didn’t even think that I was ready to be a knight. If Qui-Gon hadn’t died, I’m sure that I would have remained a padawan for much longer. Though that could just be because he grew so fond of me. One might even say he was attached. And within the course of a few days, I lost the person who cared about me most, was forced to grow up to fit a position I wasn’t ready for, and was given the responsibility of taking care of a young child before I ever even got the chance to figure out what it’s like to solely take care of myself. I could have fought against it all, and the council would have granted me my request. But it was Qui-Gon’s wish that I raise you, and if I turned you down, the council would have most likely kicked you out, leaving you to your fate. I couldn’t do that. Not when I already knew from experience what it feels like to be rejected.

“I hated it at first, being your master. Everyday I felt like I was going to do something wrong that would mess you up for life. I still worry about that now. I suppose that my worry was for good reason, though. I have failed you, Anakin.” 

Anakin’s eyes widened. “Huh? What do you mean?” Sure, he complained about Obi-Wan more often than the other padawans did about their masters, but never because he thought that Obi-Wan had actually failed.

Obi-Wan put the picture down on the bedside table, and then reached up to rub at his beard. “We should talk.” Then he turned abruptly and headed out of the room. Anakin followed after his master, puzzled about what was going on. Obi-Wan brewed them both some of that awful tea that tasted like water with some dirt mixed in, and then they settled on the couch. “It is normal for a padawan to grow certain… feelings for their master as they grow up. Your master is the person you spend the most time with, and you are taught to value and respect their opinions and abilities. You also have a connection with them through the force that may amplify certain emotions. But it is just caused by hormones, which can create certain reactions in the brain-” 

“Stop, I don’t need to hear the puberty talk,” Anakin cut in. “I got this years ago, remember? When all the padawans around my age were gathered up so that we could all get the lesson together, and it was awkward for everyone.”

One corner of Obi-Wan’s mouth quirked up, and it was the closest to a smile Anakin had seen on the man in what felt like years. “I remember.” Then his face reverted back to looking completely serious. “But I’m not just trying to talk about biology. I know that Jedi try not to talk about their feelings when they can help it, but there’s no getting around the fact that feelings exist, and that they can- and usually do- get quite messy. I want you to know that I accept full responsibility for not realizing your feelings sooner, and…” he looked lost in thought, which was a pretty normal look for Obi-Wan, but the feeling of - _regret_ \- that flashed through their bond for a moment made Anakin worry about what exactly it was that Obi-Wan was thinking about. “I think it might be best for you to take up your learning with a different master.” Suddenly it felt like Anakin’s heart was beating so loudly that it practically drowned out everything else Obi-Wan had to say. “This is not me rejecting you, Anakin, I swear to the force that it isn’t. I’m trying to do what’s right-”

Anakin shook his head. “I promise that I won’t say anything like that again, but don’t just throw me away, Obi-Wan, please!”

Obi-Wan was - _stressed, confused_ \- and he was staring at Anakin with more expression on his face than usual. “Anakin, it wouldn’t be healthy, or appropriate-”

Anakin leaned forward and roughly grabbed the front of Obi-Wan’s shirt, yanking the man closer to him to slam their mouths together. It was Anakin’s first kiss, but he knew enough to realize that it wasn’t supposed to be so painful or bloody, but it still felt perfect in every way, if only because it was Obi-Wan. When Obi-Wan pushed gently at Anakin’s chest, Anakin did lean back, but stayed sitting that close. “Frip what’s appropriate, Obi-Wan. For once in your life, why don’t you do something based on your feelings?”

There was - _guilt, hunger, joy_ \- leaking through the bond, and Anakin felt somewhat smug about having gotten Obi-Wan to lose control so much in one day. Obi-Wan was still staring at him. “You’re my padawan. This isn’t right.”

“I’m an adult,” Anakin reminded him. “I’m perfectly capable of making my own choices.” He took a deep breath, and then slowly let it out. “I love you, Obi-Wan.”

- _LOVE, joy, guilt_ \- “Anakin, we can’t.”

“Why not?” He didn’t want to sound bratty and childish (as Obi-Wan sometimes accused him of being) but he honestly couldn’t see any reason for this to not work between them. They would just have to keep it a secret, but it was no big deal as far as Anakin could tell.

It felt like ages passed before Obi-Wan’s shoulders slumped down, and he practically collapsed forward, resting the top of his head against Anakin’s collarbone. “Force forgive me for this,” he whispered. Then he lifted his head to give Anakin a kiss. It was rather shy considering how much experience Obi-Wan surely had, but Anakin liked it all the same. He liked anything that had to do with Obi-Wan. But then that damn worry reared up in him again. “Anakin, if you’re only doing this because you felt something through the bond and think that it would be-”

Anakin shook his head. “I’m doing this because it’s what I want to do.” Then he tilted his head to the side curiously. “Wait, are you saying that you’ve kept yourself so shielded through the bond all this time to hide your feelings for me?”

Obi-Wan’s face flushed a light pink. “It would be highly inappropriate for-”

Anakin interrupted him with another kiss. “Eff what’s appropriate, remember?”

And then Obi-Wan relaxed into Anakin’s side, and the two of them stayed cuddled together on the couch for a while.


End file.
